Disclaimer: I thought of this entire post during miles 14-20 of a long run. It’s weird.

So I was trying to put together a post with some some safety tips for runners, and I kept coming up with ideas that were totally inappropriate for a serious post but still made me giggle… a lot. An actual safety post may or may not happen. Stay tuned.

You are more than welcome to try these. I have no idea if they will keep you safe. Actually, if you do try one of these tips, please let me know how that went. I want pictures.

1. Only run at 3 AM dressed like a ghost

Imagine. You’re a menace to society, prowling the streets at 3am for your next unsuspecting target. Maybe you’ll take their iPhone and sell it online? Maybe you’ll drag them into the woods? Who knows, but it’s dark, probably drizzling, and you’re up to no good.

Suddenly, down the street you see this.

Sweat building on your brow, your stomach drops as you turn and begin to run. Have you been cursed? Are there more? Will you live to experience another sketchy night of shenanigans?

You don’t know it, but you have just experienced the brilliance of a 3am ghost runner.

With some life changes and supplies, any runner can become a 3am ghost runner. It’s quite simple. Simply set an alarm or stay up until the ungodly hour, grab a bed-sheet, and then proceed to go for a run as usual. For added effect and upper body strength training, be sure to flail your arms around. With enough experience you should feel comfortable running around any part of any city in the world, regardless of your age, gender, height or race. The position of 3am ghost runner is non discriminatory.

2. Run with a large predatory mammal

If you’d rather associate with something a bit less supernatural but equally as terrifying, put all those people who get big dogs to run with to shame and consider running with a large predatory mammal. While not as feasible as wearing a sheet to look like a ghost, depending on your geographic location and willingness to borrow zoo animals*, this is certainly an option. I can pretty much guarantee, regardless of the time of the day, nobody will bother you if you are running with a tiger.

Running with a large predatory mammal has many added features besides safety. Afraid of trail running in the back country? Not with your trusty East African lion. Tired after a run? Curl up for a nap with your fluffy Timber wolf.  Not feeling motivated for speed-work? Stick a raw steak in your fanny pack, let your grizzly bear catch the scent, and off you go!

You know what? Forget safety. Just imagine the gains you’ll get from sprinting miles and miles every day, with a coach who roars at you instead of yelling splits. You’ll be an Olympian in no time!

Bonus: never get pre-race jitters again because you won’t have any adrenaline left by the end of training.

3. Move to a small, uninhabited island. Run there.

Maybe everything so far has sounded far too extreme for you. You’re the quiet type who just wants the world and all of its bears to leave you alone.

My solution? Move here.

Safe? Hurricanes and potential dinosaurs wildlife aside, this solution is beyond safe. You are literally the only person there, so unless you catcall yourself, you are free to do hill repeats and fartleks to your heart’s desire in peace.

Also just look at that place! You could make an evil lair. An evil running lair. Where you plan evil running things like starting in race corral A even though you plan on walking, referring to the sport as “jogging”, or not looking before shooting a snot rocket.

4. If nothing else, throw glitter

I have seriously considered trying this, especially after hearing about how annoying it is to get glitter in the mail. It’s fits in a tiny bag which makes it easy to carry, it’s not actually harmful and we all know glitter doesn’t come out of your clothes/hair/eyes/skin. Ever.

So not only will your potential pursuer be incredibly confused, but they will have to spend so much time trying to get it off that you will be able to escape in a shimmering cloud. Even better, other runners can assume that the sketchy looking guy who is now sparkling might be worth staying away from, depriving them of their ability to creep.

See? Now we’re not only helping ourselves, but solving the issue. It turns out glitter has a use after all.

* The running yak does not support or recommend trying to steal large predatory running companions from the zoo. A much better idea is to adopt a running companion from a responsible breeder or shelter.